Wading (waiting) in the Mess

Wading Waiting in the Mess

Pool of sludge and oil.

Bathroom scum and I toil.

A body full of blood.

Rupturing organs.

A broken house.

A house undone.

Bringing together back into one.

something new, yet not quite begun.

Destroying itself before it’s done.

But remodeling and cleaning up the grime

Through the miracles of his servants

who bring peace in time.

Peace before the doors fully close.

A house made whole

with God‘s hands in mine.

His servants are those who with his hands

heal the wounded,

fix the doors,

so water and energy can flow once more.

Blood now flows giving life instead of pain.

Blood can be as cleansing as rain.

And the iv pump beeps.

Feeling thankful having a body cleaned out, juxtaposed with the value and importance of home repair and remodel. Doctors, surgeons, and handyman fixing my homes. How important it is to have a working home- body and home where you live. All money well spent. Thankful for those who do what I can’t.

Context. Written in a holy place. The hospital. My Reflections on experiencing a ruptured ectopic pregnancy over the last two weeks. (I didn’t know what was wrong with my body until last night after surgery.)

Tues. Nov 5- you have an IUD and you are pregnant. It might be ectopic- “you need surgery go to the ER.” In the ER- “wait it might be a legit pregnancy we need to watch and see, this is atypical and the answer isn’t clear.” Tues night mixed anxious and excited about the unexpected unplanned possibility of another baby, but worried how I could possibly handle that wih everything else.

Wednesday evening- “Your HCG numbers are dropping, the pregnancy isn’t sticking. It’s either ectopic or a miscarriage.“ Appointment Friday afternoon to follow up. “If you have increased pain and extreme bleeding come into ER.” Thursday lots of cramping and pain, slight bleeding increase, very depressed. “Is it enough to justify ER visit? What if I’m overreacting?”

Thursday

4:47 pm. Extreme pain. Husband walks in the door from work at 5:07 pm. I think I need to go to the ER but I don’t want it to be a waste of time and money.

5:30 pm checking in ER, still feeling crazy and wondering if I made the right decision. Waiting. 6:33 husband- “don’t come home without them doing something. Worried you will come home and still be hurting.”

7:07 pm my OBGYN walks in, my actual doctor I’ve seen for 2 of my 3 pregnancies. Peace filled my heart at the sight of him. He will take good care of me. He always has. “Surgery,” he recommends. “We need to know what is going on. It could ectopic or cyst. Past scans have been inconclusive. Your HCG levels continue to drop there is definitely no baby and nothing was pictured. Something is definitely wrong. You are not crazy.“

11:00 pm. Surgery finished. Nurses and mom, “it was a ruptured Ectopic pregnancy resulting in ruptured fallopian tube and internal bleeding. It is cleaned out and removed now. It is so good you came in. And you do have an appendix still. Here are photos. Try to rest.” I can’t. My brain is too full.

I’m unable to make something. It’s 4 am. And so I make a writing mess. In the past 72 hours I have experienced unexpected pregnancy and loss, miscarriage, and ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Like God, I can now say, “I understand“ to others experiencing a similar mess and I am here and hear you.

Hear are more painting messes that fit how I feel. Choose a painting that fits how you feel and write a poem about it. Screenshot or download it. Please tag me in any posts online.

#whereisjesusinthismess #epart #emmaleepowellart #waitingroom #ectopicpregnancy #ectopicpregnancyart #miscarriageart #holyhospital