30x30 Courage to be Honest. Purple

Courage to be Honest
Emmalee Powell 
30x30
Oil on linen canvas
2019


For me, the times when I’m not entirely honest are caused by fear. Not only fear of what others may think, but fear of myself and how I honestly feel.  A few weeks ago I had immense anxiety and fears about a situation in my life. I thought I should talk with my husband about it, but I was terrified. What if he no longer loved me or thought different of me? I wasn’t sleeping well, getting headaches, my heart was in constant panic mode because I was so anxious. Finally, in the middle of one night he woke up while I was awake and full of anxiety. I explained my worry and my honest feelings. I feared what he would say or do. He asked some questions to gain a better understanding. Then he just held me and loved me.  I felt immensely relieved and my heart was at peace. It was hard and scary to be honest, but since I was honest with myself and my husband my anxiety over this situation has almost disappeared. And Love and unity in my marriage has increased.  One thing that gave me courage was Valentines 2016 when my husband was honest with me the first time about his conflicting feelings regarding religion, God, tithing, and the LDS church I was still able to love him and have learned to come to terms with that. (It took a few years of attending addiction recovery meetings and working the 12 steps, which is an AMAZING experience for anyone who wants to find what presence of God and peace in their life daily). Learned I can have a good marriage, be active in my religion, even when my husband does not have he same beliefs as me. My family or life is not as imagined, but I’m ever thankful for my marriage to a kind, loving, and supportive spouse who loves me in my mess, just as I love him in his mess.